He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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