He uses pillows to masturbate.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
