Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
