oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
