wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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