I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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