Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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