I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
