he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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