I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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