I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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