So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found a bag of teeth...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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