I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish you could order shots online.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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