Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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