forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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