No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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