you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
