Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
