There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
