I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
