Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
