Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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