i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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