My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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