I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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