i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
