it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
