I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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