Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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