Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
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PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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