Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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