this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
