At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Randomize
