i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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