So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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