I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
