ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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