I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
