I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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