What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
