he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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