Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
