I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
