I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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