I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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