ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
