eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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