Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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