the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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