I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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