i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
