she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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