god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
